The Han Solo Show!
by Twoie
Summary: It's Jerry Springer, Star Wars style! I had soooo much fun writing this! Pleeeeeze review! Rated PG-13 for themes.


The Han Solo Show  
  
By 2ie  
  
Note: I do not own these characters. Nor do they own me. You hear me? I can stop watching you any time I want! I'm not your slave!!  
  
Announcer: Ladies, Gentlemen, and other…would you please welcome a Wookie's best friend… Han Solo!  
  
Clapping  
  
Solo: Thank you! Thank you very much!  
  
Still clapping  
  
Solo: All right, let's quiet down!"  
  
STILL clapping  
  
Solo: Hey, be quiet!  
  
STILL clapping  
  
Solo: Fires blaster into audience. Silence. Thank you. Welcome to the show! Today's topic: My Master Is An Unappreciative Bastard! These young padawans say they're fed up with their unforgiving masters and are here to tell them about it! Please meet Anakin! Anakin is a former slave from Tatooine and soon to be the biggest asshole in the galaxy!"  
  
Crowd: loud booing  
  
Anakin: stands up oh shut up! Just shut the BEEP up! You don't know BEEP about me! sits down again  
  
Solo: as if nothing happened welcome to the show Anakin.  
  
Anakin: Whatever, solo.  
  
Solo: So, what's going on?  
  
Anakin: Well, Han, it's like this… my master Obi-Wan think's he's such hot stuff, he thinks he's so much cooler than me, and he thinks that he can yell at me for everything! I'm sick of it!  
  
Solo: Hmm…sounds like you're not happy with him at all.  
  
Anakin: Damn BEEPin right! I'll kick his ass!  
  
Solo: Well, let's bring him out! Here's Obi-Wan Kenobi!  
  
Obi-Wan walks out, everyone cheers. Anakin jumps up and activates lightsaber and charges toward him, but Steve and the other Tusken Raiders quickly restrain him. Obi-Wan uses the Force to sit Anakin back in his chair, then sits down himself.  
  
Solo: Welcome, Obi-Wan.  
  
Obi: Thanks, Han.  
  
Solo: So…talk to each other.  
  
Obi: What troubles you, my young apprentice?  
  
Anakin: Don't call me that anymore!! The whole time you've been "training" me, you've done nothing but criticize me and put me down! You never appreciate my skills!  
  
Obi: You have skills?  
  
crowd laughs  
  
Anakin: Yo shut the BEEP up before I come over there and make you! BEEPin BEEP!  
  
Obi: Such a mouth on my padawan. No wonder he becomes an evil Sith Lord.  
  
crowd cheers, then starts chanting EVIL SITH LORD! EVIL SITH LORD! EVIL SITH LORD!  
  
Anakin: Yo, shut the BEEP up you BanthaBEEPin BEEPheads! You don't know BEEP!"  
  
crowd: EVIL SITH LORD! EVIL SITH LORD! Solo fires his blaster into the audience again, and they stop.  
  
Anakin: Just wait till Episode 4, buddy, and then we'll "discuss" this. Gahahahahah!  
  
Solo: Well, as if this wasn't terrible enough, Obi-Wan, that's not all Anakin has to tell you.  
  
Crowd: Oooooooooh!  
  
Solo: What else do you want to say to him?  
  
Anakin: Obi-Wan, I'm here to tell you that I know who your parents are.  
  
Crowd: gasps  
  
Obi: Impossible! Nobody knows who my parents are! Not even my grandparents!  
  
Solo: Well, let's bring them out!  
  
A Destroyer Droid and TC14 come out,  
  
Obi: jumps up No BEEPin way! Get the BEEP outta here!  
  
Destroyer: Just BEEPin deal with it, kid!  
  
TC14: Yeah, have some respect for your parents! We didn't pay 50,000 Republic Credits so we could actually HAVE you for nothing!  
  
Obi: But…how…how can you be my parents?  
  
Destroyer: We just BEEPin are, ok? Now sit down before I ground ya.  
  
Obi: Yeah, how are you gonna ground me?  
  
Destroyer: points blasters at Obi. Obi sits down quickly  
  
Anakin: Hahahaha! See? At least I have a normal mother!  
  
TC14: Yes, but you have no father.  
  
Destroyer: Are you related to the Cartmans?  
  
Anakin: Shut the BEEP up, BEEP! I'm the BEEPin chosen one!  
  
TC14: Yeah, chosen to be the biggest dick in the galaxy.  
  
Anakin: oh that's it! Turns on lightsaber and charges the droids. Han uses the Force to take it from his hand.  
  
Solo: We'll be back!  
  
Crowd: clapping SOLO! SOLO! SOLO!  
  
ANNOUNCER: Is you or someone you know having an affair with another species? Do you want to confront them about it? If so please call 1-888- HEY SOLO  
  
COMMERCIAL: I can see into your future! The Force shows me all! I'm Mace Windu! Call me now! flash …And he's the one with the red lightsaber, right? The one with the Imperial logo on the bottom?  
  
VOICE: Oh my God! That's amazing!  
  
MACE: Oh, thank you! flash And he treats you like a Jawa, correct?  
  
VOICE: Yup, pretty much.  
  
MACE: Girl you need to get the hell outta there! Just tell him you've got a boyfriend on Bespin or something, ya know? flash Call me, Mace Windu, for your free Force reading! Only 100 credits a minute, baby!  
  
ANNOUNCER: And now, welcome back to the Han Solo show!  
  
CROWD: clapping SOLO! SOLO! SOLO!  
  
SOLO: fires blaster into audience. Silence. Welcome back! Our next topic today is: "I'm Keeping A Secret From My Apprentice!"  
  
CROWD: Oooooooooooooooh!  
  
SOLO: Please meet Emperor Palpatine! Palpatine is in charge of the Galactic Empire and pretty much the whole universe.  
  
PALPATINE: Damn BEEPin right, yo! And don't y'all forget that BEEP, either!  
  
SOLO: Palpatine's apprentice is the evil Darth Vader…  
  
CROWD: Boooooo! Boooo!  
  
SOLO: …who has been by his side for the longest time. But the whole time, Palpatine has been keeping a dirty little secret from Vader!  
  
PALPATINE: That's right, Solo! That armored piece of BEEP's gotta learn that I can do whatever the BEEP I BEEPin want!  
  
SOLO: Well, let's bring him out! Here's Darth Vader!  
  
CROWD: Booooo! Booooo! Boooo!  
  
VADER: Ah, shut the BEEP up! You wish you had the Dark Side in you, ya BEEPin BEEPs!  
  
PALPATINE: Sit down!  
  
VADER: Yes, my master. sits down  
  
SOLO: Vader, do you have any idea why you're here?  
  
VADER: Not even the Force can tell me, Han.  
  
SOLO: So, Palpatine, talk to him.  
  
PALPATINE: My young apprentice, you have been a good servant all this time, though I wish you could do something with that mask…  
  
CROWD: cheers madly DITCH THE MASK! DITCH THE MASK! DITCH THE MASK!  
  
VADER: stands up Oh whatever! You know the mask is sexy! Yeah, you like my sexy mask, don't ya?  
  
A guy in the crowd stands up with a plastic mask on Hey look at me! I'm the ugly bastard on stage! Hahahaha!  
  
VADER: holds his hand up for a minute, the guy drops to the floor Amusing. Most amusing.  
  
SOLO: Oh, crap… Janitor!  
  
GREEDO: Yes, Han?  
  
SOLO: Take this stiff outta here will ya?  
  
GREEDO: Yes, Han.  
  
SOLO: Oh, and here… flips him a coin Sorry about the mess.  
  
GREEDO: That line is about 28 years old, Solo.  
  
SOLO: Yes, but it still works.  
  
GREEDO: Not really…  
  
SOLO: Get the Goddam body outta here! Or would you like a re-enactment of the scene in the Cantina?  
  
GREEDO: gets the hell out of there  
  
PALPATINE: But anyway, I have a secret to tell you.  
  
VADER: What is it?  
  
PALPATINE: I brought you on the show today to tell you that… I've been sleeping with Padme.  
  
Crowd goes nuts  
  
VADER: What????!!!!! jumps up and activates lightsaber and charges Palpatine, who is sitting there laughing. You BEEPin asshole! You been sleepin with my wife? I'll BEEPin kill you! Steve and the security Tusken Raiders grab his arms. Vader struggles to break free, still swinging his lightsaber, but they sit him down anyway.  
  
SOLO: Wow, Palpatine, that's…unusual. How long has this been going on?  
  
PALPATINE: About 30 years, Solo.  
  
Crowd goes wild  
  
VADER: You motherBEEPer! You BEEPin motherBEEPin BEEP! raises his hand to choke Palpatine, but he just sits there smiling.  
  
PALPATINE: Young fool. I would think you'd know better. raises HIS hand.  
  
VADER: grabs between his legs OUCH!! OUCHIE!! Master, stop! Please! The Force wasn't meant to be used in this fashion! Aaaah, God damn it, stop!  
  
SOLO: Well, here she is, Padme Amidala!  
  
Padme comes out and goes right over to Palpatine and starts kissing him.  
  
VADER: You BEEPin BEEP ho! How could you? How many times did I save your ass, BEEP?  
  
PADME: pulls her chair next to Palpatine and sits down Oh shut up, yo! It shouldn't bother you, anyway. You gay, right?  
  
VADER: WHAT?????  
  
PADME: I mean, no other Sith I know gots a hot pink lightsaber.  
  
CROWD: cheering VADER IS GAY! VADER IS GAY! VADER IS GAY!  
  
VADER: Yo, you all better shut your BEEPin traps before I BEEPin make you!  
  
CROWD: YOU CAN'T STOP US! YOU CAN'T STOP US!  
  
VADER: Takes out lightsaber, but Palpatine takes it from him using the Force. Vader sits down again. All right, ho… you say I'm gay then how can you explain our two kids? HA!  
  
PADME: smiles who do you think is the REAL father, "honey"? starts kissing Palpatine again  
  
VADER: Oh you'd better be BEEPin kidding me! You'd BETTER be BEEPin kidding me! My kids do not belong to this shriveled old BEEP bag right here!  
  
PADME: Yo, shut up! Palpy gives me what I want. He know how to make me happy. Your idea of makin me happy is to make me watch while you kill off innocent people. I don't want that BEEP, man!  
  
SOLO: Padme, when were you last with Palpatine intimately?  
  
PADME: Before the show, Solo, in the green room.  
  
VADER: Oh my BEEPin motherBEEPin God! Yo Palpatine, I'm gonna BEEPin kill you soon as we get off this BEEPin show! And I ain't gonna throw you down a reactor shaft this time, either! Oh no, my friend, I'm gonna…  
  
SOLO: We'll be back!  
  
CROWD: cheering SOLO! SOLO! SOLO!  
  
ANNOUNCER: Is your someone you know an exotic dancer in a Cantina? Do you or their family want to confront them about it and ask them to stop? If so, please call 1-888-HEY SOLO and tell us about it.  
  
COMMERCIAL: Have you been injured or had an accident? Are you being sued for large sums of money? If so, we urge you to call the Bounty Hunters Revenge Corps immediately! Hi, I'm Boba Fett. For years, bounty hunters such as my father and I have been hunting down people that cause harm to YOU and eliminating them. Whether you want us to disentegrate them, vaporize them, or simply blow their heads off, the BHRC is the place to call. Call the number on your screen now! Time is running out!  
  
ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to the Han Solo show!  
  
CROWD: cheering SOLO! SOLO! SOLO!  
  
SOLO: aims his blaster and the crowd shuts up before he fires Welcome back to the show! Our third topic today is: I've Got A Bizzare Job! Please meet Master Yoda! Yoda is the oldest Jedi in the universe and the most in tune with the Force. Welcome to the show, Yoda!  
  
YODA: To be here, a pleasure it is.  
  
SOLO: So, Yoda, we understand you have a very unusual job. Tell us about it.  
  
YODA: An exotic dancer, I am. Yes, mmmm! Good money, it is.  
  
CROWD: gasps and cheers  
  
YODA: The BEEP up, shut! Know BEEP about me, you don't!  
  
SOLO: Wow, Yoda, that IS unusual. How often do you do it?  
  
YODA: Every night, I do. Great pleasure does it bring me.  
  
CROWD: YOU'RE BUTT UGLY! YOU'RE BUTT UGLY! YOU'RE BUTT UGLY!  
  
YODA: Oh yeah? Oh yeah? A body like this, you wish you had! floats to center of the stage and starts taking off his robe  
  
CROWD: EWWWW!! PUT IT BACK ON! PUT IT BACK ON! PUT IT BACK ON!  
  
YODA: Like it, you know you do! Want it, you do! Yes, mmmm! floats over to Steve some of this do you want, Steve?  
  
STEVE: raises ghaffi stick and snarls  
  
YODA: floats back to the stage so believe you all not that want it people do? Made a tape, I did. Roll it, Solo.  
  
TAPE: Yoda is on a stage with nothing on and everyone is cheering. A Neimodian hands him a 20 Credit bill, and Yoda whispers "after the show, my place come back to"  
  
SOLO: covering his eyes That's just nasty.  
  
YODA: Whatever, Solo. Know you want me, you do.  
  
SOLO: Ummmm....we'll be back!  
  
ANNOUNCER: Have you ever dreamed of having a relationship with a droid? If so, please call 1-888-HEY SOLO, and tell us about it.  
  
COMMERCIAL: Excuse me...?  
  
WATTO: What do you want?  
  
MAN: I'm looking for a J-type 327 Nubian.  
  
WATTO: Ah yes, NUBIAN! They got lot's a that... at Tatooine Nubian, X- wing, Y-wing, and TIE! We've got the largest selection in the outer rim, and the longest display room in Mos Eisley! Slow credit or no credit? Doesn't matter! We want to get YOU approved for a brand new ship! With no payments until Stardate 3342.55! If you find a lower price at another dealer, we'll beat it! Guaranteed! (fast talking) must be exact same ship with same features such as hyperdrive, lasers, etc. Tatooine Nubian Xwing Ywing and TIE reserves the right to purchase competitor's ship. No Republic Credits please.  
  
ANNOUNCER: And now, back to the Han Solo show!  
  
CROWD: cheering SOLO! SOLO! SOLO! SOLO!  
  
SOLO: puts his hand on his blaster, crowd shuts up. Welcome back to the show! Our final topic today is: Who are you, really? Please welcome Nute Gunray! Nute Gunray is the Viceroy of the Trade Federation and was behind the invasion of Naboo and the assassination attempts of Padme Amidala. Welcome, Nute.  
  
GUNRAY: Thank you, Solo. It is a great pleasure to be here.  
  
SOLO: So, Nute, tell us why you're here.  
  
GUNRAY: Well, Solo, I have been working with Darth Sidious for a very long time, but he will never tell us his true identity. I'm here to find out the truth.  
  
SOLO: Why do you care, though?  
  
GUNRAY: Hey, Vader told Luke who HE was, so why can't Sidious tell me who HE is?  
  
SOLO: Well, here he is, Darth Sidious!  
  
Sidious comes out, walking with his cane. Crowd cheers. Sidious waves to them.  
  
SIDIOUS: Thank you, my young friends, thank you.  
  
SOLO: Welcome, Lord Sidious, good to have you here.  
  
SIDIOUS: Excellent.  
  
SOLO: So, talk to him, Viceroy.  
  
SIDIOUS: What troubles you, my friend?  
  
GUNRAY: Lord Sidious, I think it's time we know who you really are.  
  
SIDIOUS: gets angry why the BEEP do you need to know that?  
  
GUNRAY: Because! You never tell me, and it's been BEEPin bugging me! So come clean! Who are you?  
  
SIDIOUS: None of your business, Neimodian scum.  
  
GUNRAY: What?? Why you... charges at Sidious. Sidious gets up and charges right back. The Tusken Raiders restrain both of them, but Gunray manages to yank off Sidious's hood.  
  
CROWD: gasps  
  
SOLO: Elvis!!!!  
  
ELVIS: hangs head uh, uh-huh, that's right Solo.  
  
GUNRAY: What is the meaning of this?  
  
ELVIS: well, uhh, it's like this, Viceroy... People thought I was dead, uh- huh, so I had to hide, y'all understand... So I figure this is, uhhh the perfect disguise.  
  
GUNRAY: sits down simply amazing.  
  
SOLO: Okay, now we'll take some questions!  
  
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah, I gots a question for the ugly black dude in the mask... why y'all hangin around with that ho if she gonna cheat on you with Grandpa here? Kick her to the curb, baby! crowd cheers wildly  
  
VADER: Hell yeah! This BEEP can have his wrinkled, 2 inch BEEP! I don't want her no more!  
  
PALPATINE: Good, cause she's coming home with me!  
  
AUDIENCE MEMBER: This is for the ugly green stripper... why don't y'all use yer Jedi powers and get yerself a REAL job, honey? Bein' a stripper ain't a good way to make a living.  
  
YODA: But regular watchers I have. Come to see my BEEP they do. Disappoint them I cannot. Besides, 1,000,000 Credits a year do I make.  
  
AUDIENCE MEMBER: This is to Obi-Wan... do you really believe those droids can be your parents? Doesn't it seem impossible?  
  
OBI: That does not compute.  
  
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Hey, Padme! My grandpa's wife just died. Can you come over and give him some service?  
  
PADME: laughs that's gonna cost you some money, honey.  
  
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Hey Vader, just out of curiosity, why DO you have a bright pink lightsaber?  
  
VADER: Well, it WAS my "wife's" favorite color, but now it's too late to change anything. Only my son can build a new one...  
  
PALPATINE: WHO'S son??  
  
VADER: Shut the BEEP up, BanthaBEEPer!  
  
SOLO: Okay, one more.  
  
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Hey Yoda, if you say people love your BEEP so much, can't you at least use the Force to make it longer?  
  
YODA: For a Jedi Master, quite large it is. Yes, mmmm!  
  
SOLO: Okay, well, that's all for today's show! I hope you all can work your problems out. turns to the camera Well, thanks for joining us, we'll see you next time! Until then, take care of yourself, and...well, that's all I know how to do! Peace!  
  
CROWD: clapping SOLO! SOLO! SOLO!  
  
THE END!!!  
  
This story done by me, 2ie! Sideshowmel601@aol.com 


End file.
